Mom’s out of office autoreply

Dear… world,

If you have called, texted, emailed, messaged, or otherwise tried to get a hold of me in the last month, I am not ignoring you. I didn’t even lose my phone. It’s just that I have a one-year old, and I have been busy teaching her not to

grab Logan’s tail

pinch her fingers in the piano cover

unroll all the toilet paper

fall and hit her head on the bed frame (elliptical, kitchen chair, book shelf, etc.)

lick the floor

stick food up her nose

poke the dogs’ eyes

open the DVD tray on the computer

stick her hands in the dogs’ water bowls

put the end of the phone charger in her mouth

eat her own poop (yes, that actually happened)

feed the dogs onions or grapes

 

And I have been busy teaching her to…

laugh at silliness

eat

crawl

walk

love

live

drink from a cup

pet the dogs nicely

climb

sign

play on the piano

watch movies

make blanket forts

swim

read books

enjoy food and cooking

play fetch with the dogs

pick up dirty clothes

put things away

 

SO, I will get back to you— during nap time. And if nap time doesn’t happen, my response may come the next day. If it doesn’t come the next day, you might want to send your message again. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that my response doesn’t prevent your

diaper rash

hunger pangs

electrocution

attack by angered dogs

drowning

pinched fingers

mental underdevelopment

social underdevelopment

spiritual underdevelopment

physical underdevelopment

choking

suffocating

and the like.

 

Love,

Denise (A.k.a. Mommy-still-in-training)

 

2014-02-04 09.01.30

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